Playing the Game
by mitani mont
Summary: With the summer holidays drawing close, Remus is concerned about Sirius going back to his family. Oneshot, Marauders Era, Sirius/Remus.


Disclaimer: All characters belong to good old JK. Thanks JK, you're a doll.

Author's Note: Well this is a first time. I never joined fanfic with the intention to publish anything, but after reading and reviewing so many others I thought I might give it a shot. Lets see if my mind makes sense to anyone else out there...

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**Playing The Game**

8 of spades.

9 of hearts.

4 of clubs.

"I don't want you to go back there."

10 of clubs.

Jack of diamonds.

2 of hearts.

"I hope Prongs and Wormtail pass the kitchens on the way back from detention, I'm bloody starving."

Jack of hearts.

7 of diamonds.

Queen of spades.

King of spades.

"Don't go back there. Stay at James's"

8 of diamonds.

4 of diamonds.

Sirius shrugged.

3 of hearts.

"They're my family Moony."

10 of spades.

10 of hearts.

BANG!

"Too slow, Pads. You're not concentrating."

"O Merlin's bubblegum, I think my hair's on fire."

"Uh-oh, someone call the paramedics."

Ace of clubs.

"My hair smells funny Moony."

"Bluh. Get your hair away from my face."

"But it's all frazzled!"

"Gerrof! Put your card down you cretin."

"Gnegh…"

3 of diamonds.

"There! Happy?"

"Ecstatic."

King of clubs.

10 of diamonds.

5 of hearts.

9 of clubs.

"Will you write?"

4 of spades.

8 of diamonds.

Sirius shook his head. "Mother's still intercepting my mail."

"Regulas could-"

"No. Moony, no."

5 of spades.

"I can't trust him anymore."

9 of diamonds.

9 of spades.

BANG!

"Ow, dammit!"

"Revenge is sweet, Messr Moony."

Ace of spades.

Queen of hearts.

Jack of clubs.

2 of diamonds.

"You know what would be good, Padfoot? If we could just stay here. This place now. Forever."

6 of hearts.

"Just you and me, eating pumpkin pasties, playing cards…"

2 of clubs.

"Sounds damn good."

5 of diamonds.

"No moons, no potion lessons."

"Potions aren't quite as bad as moons, surely."

"Er, I think they are."

"You don't come out cut to shreds after Potions."

"Beg to differ: I almost lost an ear to that Audacity Serum."

Sirius chuckled and stretched.

3 of clubs.

"No Filch. No _Snivellus_." He said dreamily.

4 of hearts.

"We could just take a wonder down to the lake, smoke some cigarettes, eat some strawberries..."

7 of spades.

"Yeah. And we wouldn't have to keep an eye out for James and Pete every time we wanted to-"

Remus coughed. "Smoke cigarettes and eat strawberries?"

8 of clubs.

Sirius laughed softly again. "Hmm, yeah."

King of hearts.

"None of my Mother's rants."

"None of my Mother's overdone beef."

"Ah yeah, bloody steak and chips all summer through."

"Keep your chips, it's rare meat all the way for me Pads."

"That's the life Moony. Rare meat and a summer without being called _the little shit_ for once. That'd be the day."

It took a while to realize they'd stopped. Remus glanced up at Sirius. The boy's face was barely perceivable with his raven hair hanging down in front of him.

"Padfoot. It's your go."

Remus supposed Sirius had nodded, but the Animagus made no move to continue the game. He stayed precisely still, both hands balled at his side, pressed to the floor, on fist still clutching his deck. His head lowered further.

"_The little shit_.' Sirius whispered. When he began to speak again his voice shook. It was more like Sirius was trying to stop the words from getting out; each one carefully placed as though a resignation to the inevitable.

"Unworthy.

"Ungrateful.

"A spoiled waste of space.

"Disgusting and rotten and twisted and useless.

"I mean it understandable you see. How could something so _repulsive_ be born from _her_ loins? How could _she_ possibly give birth to something so abominable? What did she do to deserve such an evil _little shit_?"

Sirius almost shouted the last words. He stood up suddenly and walked away from Remus. He began to pace, his pale face reddening with the anger and frustration. Finally he grabbed a vile of lotion from James' cabinet and threw it to the floor, smashing the glass. Remus stayed perfectly still, not wanting to stop Sirius in something he spoke of so rarely.

"And Father can't even _bare_ to look at me." Sirius said. "The irony! That the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black should also be the source of its greatest disgrace. Better to ignore it, like a blemish or a stain, sweep it under the carpet: ignore it and it might go away. Better to economise than agonise, don't you think?

"Oh except when there are others, then the show really begins! On goes the make up and the pretence and the smiles and secret glares and snide remarks and laughs and the kicks under the table.

"We can't loose face can we? Sirius Black is the heir to the line. So there will be no stepping out of line, no speaking – oh, definitely no speaking: _D__on't you _dare_ say a word! Stand up straight, sit down, shoulders back, chin up and for Salizar's sake shut your mouth and don't speak- no one wants to hear your filthy blaspheming Gryffindor sewage that dribbles from your lips!"_

Sirius rose his eyes to meet Remus', and they were large and surrounded by moisture.

_"_And then I nod, and I agree, and stand up straight and sit down and shut up, and I don't say a word, I don't _blaspheme_, I just sit there like a coward, and I do nothing."

Remus stood up and took Sirius' hand in his own.

"They hit you Sirius." He rubbed a finger along Sirius' wrist to try and soothe him as he said words rarely spoken. "They lock you up. They starve you. It's not cowardly not to want those things. It's intelligent. It's purely survival."

Sirius almost smiled. "You would think that, wouldn't you Moony? It doesn't occur to be anything else. Perhaps it's because you go through real pain, and you're so brave. You're so much braver I am." Sirius withdrew his wrist carefully from Remus and looked away, and when he spoke again his voice was almost a sob. "I want them to love me. I don't like the things they do, but she's still my _mother_. He's still m- my _father_. S-so I'm not like you Remus. I'm not being noble or brave, I j-just want my family. I want them to love me."

He looked up at Remus, his grey eyes wide with tears. They spilled down his cheeks and stuck to his eyelashes, large as that of a small child's. And like a small child he seemed to ask the most impossible of questions, wide and ever more profound for being asked in innocence.

"Why don't they love me Remus?"

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, and desperately tried to find words that could possibly make things right.

"Gods, I don't know Sirius." He felt Sirius' silent shakes against him, and he looked at the deck of cards beside them. "We neither of us have been dealt a good hand. But there are some things I'm glad about. If you were someone your family loved, would you have come to Gryffindor? And if I weren't a werewolf, would you and I ever have gotten so close? This close?" Remus ran his hand through Sirius' silky hair, letting it fall through his fingers.

"Turns out I'm all aces. I've come up trumps with you, Sirius. And not just the You that you parade downstairs who's witty and outgoing and clowning and dashing and bravado, the one you think that you have to be for me to love you. I love him, but as the most selfish man in the world, I love the You that's here with me even more. The You I get to see on my own. All your intimacies and insecurities and fears, you only share them with me, and I love that so much, I love that I have the honour of being so deep in you confidence.

"So I don't know Sirius, I don't know why your family don't love you, because frankly I can't even _comprehend_ not loving you. More than that: I have to thank the Gods that it's the reality of it all. Because if you became someone that _they_ liked or loved then… then I'd probably loose you.

"If you think I'm brave Sirius, I'm sorry but you're very mistaken. If you could be happy with them or happy with me, I'm selfish enough to choose me every time. I don't want you to go back there, I don't want you to be the kind of person they love. I want you to stay with me forever."

Remus ran his hands up and down Sirius' back. Sirius was now very still.

"I'm sorry." Remus closed his eyes and put his head on Sirius' shoulder, suddenly feeling guilty for burdening Sirius with his confession. He had never meant to put Sirius in a situation where he would have to choose his loyalties.

And then Sirius' shoulders' were once again shaking hard against Remus, his breath coming out in short quick bursts against Remus' chest. Remus closed his eyes inwardly cursed himself. He was meant to be comforting Sirius, not put even more on his shoulders.

"Sirius?"

"Haaaa!" Sirius gasped out and then slumped against Remus, hitting the floor a couple of times with his fist.

It took some time for Remus to realize Sirius was laughing.

"Oh you absolute git, you scared me half to death." But Remus felt himself sigh with relief regardless.

"I'm sorry! It's you- You're so funny!" said Sirius between laughs.

"I fail to see exactly what is quite so humorous." said Remus sulkily, although he still clutched at Sirius.

Sirius looked up at Remus, and although he was still laughing, Remus could see how close he still was to slide to the other side. Sirius calmed down and then stroked one hand down Remus' cheek. "I've never had anyone apologize for loving me to much before." He said, a small smile still lingering.

Remus smiled back weekly and felt the colour rise to his cheeks. "Oh Padfoot. Look around you. You've got James, and Pete, and I dare say Lily and Angela and Molly and Arthur, and you've got me the most. We all love you; we all believe in you; and we'll never leave you. We're your real family."

Sirius reached up to hold Remus' face in both hands.

"You'll never leave me, will you Remus?"

"I'll never leave you."

"Even if my hair falls out?"

Remus laughed. "Even if you hair gets as bad as James', I promise you I won't leave you."

Sirius closed his eyes and seemed to relax. He sank down beside a bed and brought Remus back with him, his arms wrapping around as though unwilling to let go. "Good," he said. "That's good. That's all I need to see me through."

Remus laid his head on Sirius' chest and idly stroked the hair on his arms.

"You're still going back there."

"One more summer. Have to play the game, Moony. If it gets to bad, I'll promise I'll fold and get out."

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-EPILOGUE-

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Bang.

"Ahhhhhh!"

Thud.

Sirius and Remus peered around the bed to see James sprawled in the middle of the room having slipped over flat on his back.

"Merlin's Bum Fluff, what the- is that my acne lotion?... PADFOOT!"

Sirius clamped his hand over Remus' mouth to stop him laughing as they dodged back out of site.

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Well there you have it, lovely reader. If you review, I'll give you a cupcake.


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